KinkTopia By Anthony Coleman

Strangers & Karma

A Literary Journal

KinkTopia

From the Greek, meaning ‘a kinky place, but not a fine one’

Part I

By Anthony Coleman

You are now entering Washington County’s Online Community Forum.

Official Washington County shared a post.

31 July at 11:02 a.m.

Good morning Washington County residents, thank you for checking out our page where you can keep up to date with all the latest news and events happening in your area.

As some of you may be aware, the recently announced Washington County ‘Freedom to Love’ initiative has garnered some negative reaction from a small but significant number of our citizens.

With this in mind, we would like to take this opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings surrounding the housing development.

Over recent years, it has come to the attention of Washington County Council that many of our citizens are dissatisfied with the high number of disused residential and commercial properties in their local area.

After listening carefully to the needs and desires of our residents, we’ve found that a clear majority of people in Washington County have little to no interest in a ‘traditional romantic relationship’ (i.e. an eighteen-month to twelve-year monogamous—or largely monogamous—relationship between two adults, with an age differential of no greater than 14.7 years).

Instead, they have stated a strong preference for what would be considered by most to be ‘alternative’ or ‘experimental’ types of relationships, including—though not limited to—polyamory.

After lengthy deliberations between our district representatives, Washington County Council last week announced that the long disused Jefferson Park housing development has been purchased on behalf of our citizens and repurposed as a site for those who require additional accommodation in order to pursue their desired experimental romantic relationships.

Jefferson Park is a creative community thriving in the heart of historic First Ward, surrounded by an active rail yard where 20+ trains change the landscape each day. Against this backdrop, Jefferson Park has been repurposed for Washington County’s ‘Freedom to Love’ initiative.

Some examples of the ways in which the housing development will be tailored for residents include the following:

Jefferson Park, Ground Level Apartment, Unit 1-A interior, Extra-Large Primary Bedroom, 880 sq. ft

Those applying for residency in a ‘Sexual Living Space’ are urged to give realistic consideration to how sexually active they are likely to be during their stay at Jefferson Park, so that the development can be put to its best possible use.

On this and all issues affecting our county, Washington County Council is committed to actively listening to feedback from our citizens and harnessing their opinions to shape our collective future.

In accordance with Washington County Ordinance No. 8243, any comments made by county residents on this page will be responded to by a county representative within 24 hours of being posted.

We look forward to hearing from you, please comment below!

Jane Stone

This is the worst fucking idea I have ever heard.

Replied: Official Washington County

Thank you for your comment, Jane. Please be aware that Washington County Council is committed to redoubling its effort to educate citizens on the many benefits of Freedom to Love, which will begin in a pilot form later this month.

Citizens who wish to express their concerns or receive more information about the development are encouraged to contact the office of their district representative, though are discouraged from discussing Freedom to Love in a factually inaccurate or misleading manner via any popular social media platforms.

Joseph Taylor

You’re turning a perfectly good housing development into a Dionysian hellhole.

Replied: Official Washington County

Thank you for your comment, Joseph. For those who may be unaware, Dionysus was the Greek god of wine and festivity, who wielded a fennel-stem scepter used to destroy those who oppose his cult and the freedoms he represents.

Potential Jefferson Park applicants should note that no government official employed at the development will wield a scepter of any kind, and we have no plans to ‘destroy’ our opponents—in fact, as this page clearly demonstrates, we are more than willing to engage with them in the hope of delivering a brighter future for Washington County.

Michael Crawley

Hi there, do you have any plans to accommodate people of various sexualities, for example, the sexually repulsed?

Replied: Official Washington County

Thank you for your comment, Michael. Those who are ‘sex-repulsed’ and currently residing in shared accommodation elsewhere in the county will be eligible to apply for a ‘Non-Sexual Living Space’ at Jefferson Park.

Though priority will be given to the sexually repulsed, allosexuals (i.e., those who experience sexual attraction) are also encouraged to apply for use of a Non-Sexual Living Space if they too are repulsed by sex for reasons including:

(a) Jealousy; (b) Disturbances of concentration; (c) An aversion to hearing fellow tenant(s)/parent(s) or guardian(s) emitting sexually suggestive sounds (e.g. panting; grunting; humming; moaning; groaning; screaming; spanking; creaking; clawing; obscenities spoken in a sexual manner; and R&B/Soul music).

Thank you again Michael and I would love to hear your thoughts on these plans!

Replied: Michael Crowley

Jesus.

Ann Nonymous

Are applicants required to undergo a urinalysis prior to acceptance?

Replied: Official Washington County

Thank you for your comment, Ann. The short answer is no. But health screening is a very good idea! I strongly encourage you to attend our next civic meeting and request a motion to consider such requirements.

Replied: Ann Nonymous

Oh, I was asking cuz I recently had sex with a poly couple, and now my urine is purple. Great program btw. I’ll be sure to apply!

Replied: Official Washington County

Oh, that’s actually a separate issue. I presume you live near the paper plant behind Main St. off Commerce? We’ve recently received many complaints about purple urine and discovered they’re all coming from a cluster of residencies in close proximity to the plant. I recommend you see a doctor straight away and consider celibacy.

James Patton

This whole town smells like farts.

Replied: Official Washington County

Thank you for your comment, James. The reason our town smells like that is because there is a paper plant situated just behind Main Street off of Commerce that burns toxic chemicals throughout the day. Such chemicals do, in fact, lend an odor that is consistent with Taco Tuesday flatulence. The only way to rid the town of this unpleasant smell is to shut the plant down. Unfortunately, that would lead to a sudden increase in unemployment.


Official Washington County shared a post.

1 August at 02:34 a.m.

Good morning Washington County residents, thank you for checking out our page where you can keep up to date with all the latest news and events happening in your area.

In light of the feedback received yesterday regarding our Freedom to Love initiative, Washington County Council would like to share a positive piece of feedback about the housing initiative—one that was, in fact, heard personally by the writer of these posts.

This evening, I happened to be exiting a liquor store near my home when a rather mischievous young man asked me to buy him some beer. When I declined and began to walk away, the young man asked what my hurry was, at which point I began to explain to him—quite heatedly, if truth be told—about Freedom to Love and the challenges that the project still faces.

As I was speaking, I saw his eyes lighting up, and realized that he was exactly the kind of young local resident whose life could be profoundly changed by this kind of urban development initiative.

‘Duuuuuuude’, he said. ‘That’s pretty rad.”

Steve
Steve, the young man I met outside the liquor store, is 20 years old and very single. He’s clearly enthusiastic about the Freedom to Love initiative.
KinkTopia Pt. 2

Kinktopia Part 1 saw Washington County citizens express their concerns over the Jefferson Park housing project, which their local government has designated for citizens practising ethical non-monogamy (ENM) as part of the county’s Freedom to Love initiative.

Washington County Community Forum

This webpage includes first-party advertising. 

Jane C.

I demand that a Washington County representative respond to this post immediately. 

Yesterday, I was told to call your Jefferson Park hotline and, after waiting for over 40 minutes, was finally put through to an elderly gentleman on your staff who was slow to understand my situation and eventually said, 'ENM? I thought the Slim Shady LP was his best work,' before hanging up.

So let me explain my problem once again. 

Given the tax incentives recently provided to move into the Jefferson Park development, my partners and I – against our better judgement – decided to move in. 

Despite assurances from our local district representative, we have already had multiple problems with our new home, not least the graffiti on the exterior walls of our building. The graffiti refers specifically to the Freedom to Love initiative and openly speculates on the goings on inside my home. 

There are also accompanying images which are very detailed and, frankly, accurate to the point that I believe the graffiti artists in question may have spied on my partners and I during our sexual activities. 

What will be done about this?

Washington County

Thank you for your response Jane. The security staff on the premises have been instructed to be extra vigilant for intruders, particularly those in possession of spray paint and/or spying equipment.

It is worth acknowledging the simple truth that, because the Freedom to Love initiative has become such a hot button issue in the local media and has even gone viral beyond our county, it is to be expected that local residents will be well aware of what goes on in the development.

We believe that in such circumstances the solution is always to educate rather than merely punish young people, therefore we are planning to start a program in schools that will explain alternative relationships to them – provided that such a scheme is, legally speaking, considered appropriate for minors. 

Jane C.

I imagine that everything related to this development will be considered really dumb. Legally speaking and otherwise.

Spray Kinktopia 2

Jack P.

Since that Vox video about this housing development went viral - you know, ‘Why the Jefferson Park ENM Housing Disaster is a Teachable Moment for Local Lawmakers’ - our county has become a national laughing stock. 

I used to be embarrassed to tell people where I was from because no one had heard of this town, now I’m embarrassed because everyone has heard of it. 

What are you going to do to restore our image?

Washington County

Thank you for your response Jack. I was actually interviewed for the Vox video you’ve mentioned. 

Firstly, I believe it is important for our citizens to understand that the reporter responsible for the video was a 24-year-old with blue hair and multiple nose rings. When I asked whether or not he had any personal experience with ethical non-monogamy, he said he thought that ‘EDM is kind of over now’. My gut told me that he would come to be a sworn enemy of our community.

The reporter also happened to be vegan. In an attempt to be thoughtful and welcoming, I offered to buy him an avocado toast at Jimmy’s, one of our fine local establishments. The reporter then informed me that avocados are in fact not technically vegan, because some commercial farms shuttle bees in the backs of trucks, therefore mistreating them. 

Well, this was news to me. I felt not only surprised, but also moved to contemplate the inner lives of bees. Do they experience emotional pain? Do they need some bee version of therapy? I imagined one bee lying on a couch and another one in a chair with a clipboard, and the bee on the couch saying that they were traumatised from being in those trucks, and then the bespectacled therapist bee saying, "Perhaps this is really about your relationship with your mother?"

When I came back to my senses, the reporter was gone. Anyway, to answer your question Jack, I'm trying to have the Vox video removed from YouTube.

Sally F. H.

I heard Mayor Greenberg got spotted at that weird-ass development you’re talking about like five or six times. What’s up with that?

Washington County

Thank you for your response Sally. Major Greenberg is a devoted public servant who works tirelessly to provide a better future for our county. I believe that he deserves our highest respect and admiration.

Jay J.

As I’m sure you’re aware, last Tuesday marked the fifth fake bomb threat in as many weeks at Jefferson Park. 

As a resident, it seems obvious to me that these threats are an immature prank by local youths, designed to get myself and my neighbours to run out of our homes, so that those responsible can indulge their curiosity in how many people are actually living in each residence. Presumably they expect a two-bedroom apartment to disgorge dozens of scantily clad residents, as if it were some kind of sexually progressive clown car. 

What is being done to stop the bomb threats? And isn’t this trend a damning indictment of the fact that Washington County Fake Bomb Threat Awareness Month is a colossal waste of taxpayer money?

Washington County

Thank you for your response Jay. Washington County's Fake Bomb Threat Awareness Month has long been considered the crowning jewel of our Awareness Month calendar, coming as it does between Toilet Papering Awareness Month and Stealing a Shopping Cart and Putting Your Little Brother Inside It and Pushing Him Down Franklin Hill Awareness Month. 

However, I would concede that perhaps the month needs to be extended to six weeks.

Mike G.

Hey, did you hear that Adams County has also launched a housing project for people with experimental relationship preferences? And that their version is working really well? And that everyone in Adams County agrees that their government officials are doing a brilliant job of making people who practise ENM feel respected and included within society, while also keeping them safe and comfortable by granting them special protections under local law? Did you hear about that? Did you? Did you?

Washington County

Thank you for your response. We are very happy for Adams County’s success.

Mike G.

Is that all you have to say about it?

Washington County

Yes.

Mike G.

Really?

Washington County

Well, it’s easy to open the pickle jar after other people have already loosened the lid, isn’t it? The pioneers are the ones who have to work through all the teething problems and then the johnny-come-latelys just grab all the glory afterwards. And, by the way, Adams County is obviously using that scheme as a way to deflect from a seemingly never ending series of government scandals.

Mike G.

Damn.

Washington County

Not that Washington County has any official position regarding any of those scandals – if scandals is even the appropriate term to describe them.

Mike G.

Hmm.

Washington County

What?

Mike G.

Nothing.

Washington County

No seriously, what?

Mike G.

 visit play stay

I imagine that everything related to this development will be considered really dumb. Legally speaking and otherwise.

Anthony Coleman is a writer and English language teacher and freelance writer from Liverpool, England. He graduated from Oxford Brookes University and has lived and worked in Kanagawa, Japan and Guadalajara, Mexico.

Edited by Kayla Sosa